Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I ate everything, including the H.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook