Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.