Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.