After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
This came to me in a dream.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
When the stylist spins you back around
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”