I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
6. me as a lawyer
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.