*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
This is the one
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”