family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“i miss shittin on people”