No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.