[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding