The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I have questions??
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.