What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
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[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?