Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.