If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators