Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
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She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Spell check is for lasers.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.