If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
2022: I can fix it
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.