I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN