Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
You Might Also Like
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Buck naked
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks