them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings