Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Kids: Stay in school.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now