I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
You better watch out
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob