Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?