I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My teenage children choosing violence
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.