World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*