Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband