“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it