statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
this is the best interaction on twitter
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said