Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news