Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂