You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
True?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl