You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem