Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”