This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
good work, everybody
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
uh oh
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…