Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
jesus, what did this guy do
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.