My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Great Canadian literature.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees