me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
You Might Also Like
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.