*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
not for long
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
When libraries troll their patrons.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road