haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
You Might Also Like
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”