ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
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My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Velcrow
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil