If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
You Might Also Like
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Why I divorced her.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry