What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”