My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.