A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
You Might Also Like
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
When you’re Kinky but poor
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?