I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Lucky old June.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The booster protects against what, now?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.