You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
mom gave me mine for free
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.