I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!