Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Where’s my employee discount too?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point