Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.