Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”