Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
never forget
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
This is Sparta
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.