#oldknees
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”